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Dream in Red

'Can I taste the Passion fruit flavor?' My eyes did not leave hers even for a second.

They were enthralling. I didn't know what she did to them but they were beautiful, almost leaving me short of air to breathe.

‘Here.’ She offered me the tiny plastic spoon, its red clashing with the almost fluoroscent colour of the passion fruit ice cream.

I took it, my eyes still latched on to hers. The guy at the counter was staring at me. I could feel it. I was still not sure how they were related. There was a very distinct and real possibility that she was his wife. But how? He couldn't have got to her of all people. She was beautiful. Smooth dark skin, not a single blemish as far as my eyes could reach. And those eyes, they were dark.Dark and intoxicating. There were no other words for them. She hardly spoke. A sentence at the most was it.

'Shall I give you a scoop?'

I was broken out of my thoughts, immediately shifting my eyes away from hers to the different ice creams beneath the display glass. I took my hands off it and asked for a scoop of Vanilla, trying hard not to look at her eyes.

'Small or medium?'

'Huh..?'

'Would you like a medium sized scoop?'

'No... I'll take the small one' My eyes finding hers once again and pausing. She was looking at me. My eyes.

‘Are you sure?’

I caught my breath. I nodded or I thought I did.

The constant whir of the freezer dulled and stopped. Everything fell silent. Eyes. I could see every single fleck in her iris. They were beautiful.

So beautiful… Sexy.

I could feel my heart beat faster, harder. My face heating up. The sudden rush of blood into my head. The giddiness. I could feel every inch of my body. Of what she was doing to me.

I wanted her. I just wanted to rip into her.

Her eyes, deep and needy. Begging me to take her into the night.

I wanna fuck you.

I thought it.

She smiled.

What the hell! Shake out of it, you Bastard!! I tried to pull my eyes away. I couldn't.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't breathe. It jolted me. I tried to draw in air hard, only to choke when nothing came.

Wha-..

My mouth stayed shut. Not a sound. Nothing moved. My mind screamed. My eyes burned.

Look Away!! I screamed hoarse. Now! Nothing. I was trapped in her eyes. Deep black abysses. My thoughts lost coherence as the haziness crept along my vision.

She turned and reached for a waffle cone.

The freezer whirred.

I stumbled back, terrified, barely stopping myself from falling.

I was breathing. Wh..what was that? I felt my palms, they were cold. I was cold. My breaths were deep and long. My heart-beat slow and unwavering. I looked around and saw the couple sitting on the bright red chairs. When did they come in? They were engrossed whispering things to each other oblivious to everything else.Didn't they see anything?! I was shivering inside and I could feel the same coldness creep up my spine. The guy at the counter had his eyes glued to his billing machine. I looked down through the glass at the ice creams in the freezer. I saw her hand reach in and scoop out some vanilla into the cone. My mouth was dry.

I should go. Leave. I turned around and started walking. She didn’t stop me. I'm imagining things. He didn't even look away from his machine once. Definitely imagining things.

I felt stupid. But I still couldn’t get rid of her dark eyes from my head. I just wanted to leave.

I was certain. And as I stepped across the glass door, I turned to look at her, hoping to reassure myself, only to stare into nothing.

She was just here!

I looked a little carefully at the back wall. The thin outline of a door was visible, cleverly fitted into the pattern of the wallpaper.

Heh..ha ha.. Idiot.

I laughed to myself, feeling stupid and relieved. I shook my head to clear it and started walking on to the wet road.

Odd. I thought as I watched myself walk to the middle of the road. That's not where I wa-

I felt nothing when the truck rammed into me.

I just lay there on the wet cold road. Paralyzed. Choking on my blood. I tried to focus my eyes and saw the blood splattered truck fender shimmer into view a few yards away. Blood dropped into my eyes, burning them. Before everything blurred, I barely made out the neon red signboard above the windshield.

‘Vanilla Dreams’ It read.

Heh..ha ha.. Idiot. I thought as it all faded.

Before you go

'I have always wanted to come in... drove me nuts, knowing you were inside and not seeing you...'

'Why didn't you?' It felt natural for me to ask that question, but it was foolish and she knew that I knew.

I looked at the narrow chest high gate. The black paint had started wilting. It was as if no one had lived there since I left. I pushed the gate open, feeling the cold iron in my hand, almost expecting it to creak. I was being foolish again. It swung open smoothly, almost mockingly. So much for it being abandoned.

I wish it had started drizzling. That would have been nice.

'Well this is it' I said looking at front door. It was locked. A familiar 7 lever Godrej lock was staring at me with no sense of recognition. I remember the key. There was nothing special about it except for a slight bent where my dad's car drove over it ages ago. I suppose it still has it.

'Its locked.' she said her eyes dimming a bit.

They were always full, her eyes, with life, with love.

'I used to imagine coming inside your house for some reason and then seeing you... I wanted to see everything about you...' she trailed off.

I followed her eyes as she looked through the grill into the darkness. I stayed silent.

'I wanted you to invite me in if things worked out' She laughed and said. 'Looks like it was never meant to happen. It would have been nice though, kanna... small wishes, if they were granted.' She looked at me, as if urging me to grant her one.

'I wish I had...' I said. I smiled, an ache deep within. Regrets. For the time that we lost, so carelessly...never realising. Maybe our future could have been different.

I hated these. What ifs.

What if we hadn't met?

What if I had seen it earlier?

What if...

'Ennachu da?' she asked, her eyes cutting across all my defenses.

'Nothing...' I said, to her narrowing eyes.

The sky was overcast now, a shade darker, maybe it would drizzle now.

'Pokalam... There is nothing for us here.' I said turning away from her. The road leading to our old school was empty. It was closure... tracing our steps back here. Stepping back years. The school seemed smaller than I could remember but the memories had tugged at us from every corner. I could still feel the way her hand had tightened around mine when we walked into that empty classroom.

Her eyes were on my back, waiting patiently for me to say something more. I felt angry. There was nowhere for us to go from here. We were fools... trying to stretch our past, trying to barter with time. I felt sad. Angry more than sad. We were going to lose. And she knew it, always, more than me. Even now... she knows. I wanted to hate her. Why did we come here?

I felt her arms slip around my sides, her face coming to rest on my back. She was warm.

'I love you.' She whispered into me.

I didn't say anything. The silence stretched. I felt it then. Drops. Tiny ones, thrown around by the wind, coming to lay rest on us.

It was beginning to rain.

She drew herself more to me, her arms tightening... her fingers finding mine.

I love her. There was never anything to the contrary.

We will walk in the rain, through the paths we always have...

I heard her say, her voice muffled 'Lets... not think about anything else kanna...' I closed my eyes.

We will walk in the rain, everything else forgot.

The Generous One

'Hello.'

'Hullloo, About time, eh?' He said, stretching the words out, with obvious sarcasm.

'Happy Birthday, Da.' I said, not sure if I should sound apologetic or if I should laugh my way through.

'Thanks!... Soo, whose courtesy is this call?'

Why did he have to ask?

I laughed. It was so obvious, so much so that I had to force myself to continue laughing as he kept guessing names and finally got the right one.

'Yeah.' Man! I sounded pathetic.

...

Minutes ago.

...
'You suck man! You got almost everything wrong dude!...You suck!' He said, not really meaning it. 'You are supposed to know all this B&*%$!' Not meaning it, again.
'Its about me, macha. You ought to know. I woulda scored full if it was about you.' He said, making me sink a little lower.

'Ha ha ha...' I laughed. I could have got all of them right. Damn!

I know him better than anybody else but I didnt wanna say it. I just screwed the freaking Quiz!

'...yeah well...anyway he was all excited about it when we went out for the drive yesterday-'

'What drive?' I asked, interrupting.

'For the Birthday dude!'

Huh! 'Wha-'

'You forgot, didnt you?, I so know it! I so know it! You forgot! Ha ha ha ha ha...' He couldnt stop laughing. 'He was getting all these calls at midnight... and you forgot.'

'I'm using my old phone macha, the reminders are'nt there...' I try and explain.

'So, you think I have reminders for all?' He cut in, taunting me.

I dont forget. I know the dates. Its just that... hmph. What do I say? 'Hang up! I gotta call him now.'

'You suck ma-'

I hang up and look at the time. Shit.

...

...

'I was waiting for tomorrow, just so that I could really lay it into you.' He was being nice, not really making a big deal out of it.

He did expect me to call. Obviously. 'Well, you did forget to call me in Final year' I said out of desperation. A misguided desire to salvage whatever was left.

Damn! Why did I say that? I couldnt even remember that day. Had he called?

'WHAT?? I called you from DUBAI...All the way from there!!' Umm..he had called.

'Heh heh he...' I laughed. I was starting to hate these last-resort laughs. They make me feel pathetic. "So what did you guys do?' I asked trying to change the conversation.

'We guys went out for dinner and ... .... ...on ECR road, at midnight, with the trunk open. It was awesome!'

Silence. I wish I had been there.

'You should have been there.' He said, voicing my thoughts. He has always been like that, making sure its ok. He always chose his words better than I did. He would have figured out whats on my mind by now. He does, most of the times.

'Its awesome you know? This whole thing. I mean, its great that it did happen. I'm glad you enjoyed' I said sincerely, meaning every word with all my will. Where would we all be a year from now? Chennai chapter is finally ending. It more or less has for me. I think so.

'Its realy nice' I reiterated.

'Yeah... it was.' He replied. He was catching on.

For some reason I wanted to listen to Pavarotti's Nessun Dorma right then. Always dramatising.

'Its okay. I forgive you!' He as-ever-graciously said.

'It just makes it worse.' I complained. I had no reason to.

'You can always call me the Generous-One.
G-1, you know?' He said, his voice laced with laughter.

'Yeah...right!! G-1. Ha ha ha ha...' I laughed. Really laughed.

I really wish I hadnt forgotten.

I push the thoughts down and... Laugh.

XXX

Oh!...G-1... a.k.a Yogi, Happy Birthday...
You are old!!... Atleast senility and distance will save you from me kicking your ass on this brilliant day... also the part where I forgot.. yeah, definitely that too..

Get Drunk! Throw up and Oh my GODDE!, throw that book away!...

Missing the good ol' times...

Echoes

Cut off.

Drifting. Two years... very little has changed. Afloat still. Drawn to where the winds please. In search of an unknown shore, ever unyielding.

What will become of us?
The few bound by years past, a thread now stretched so thin that we stop, pausing in our footsteps, for the fear of losing each other.

Amidst the laughter, between the stories that never dull it pulls at us, a strange gesture, an unexpected word, a subtle shift of a brow... a solitary moment of another life unknown and without us. Who are they? These strange men and women, whose eyes daringly reflect your love and yet so much a stranger's. I look for them, unknowingly and unwittingly in the crowded train stations, in the passing cars, for their faces, for those familiar voices. Chasing the Shadows of a past long gone.

A nudge breaks me from my thoughts. 'You look lost.' He said, raising his eyebrow.

'Not really.'

'You are here now. We are all here.'

I smile.

We are strangers.

My spindly obsession and on why I like cats

My Cat will eat all the spiders.

Cats eat spiders. I have seen it happen. Not once but many a time. They eat all kinds of them. From the small short legged fat butted ones to the spindly legged dark dirt coloured creepy crawler from the bowels of hell, all fair game. I suppose they find them to be exotic. You dont always get to dine on them but when you do, Oh Boy!! mmmm... I mean think about the kind of choices they have. Its like when I have an urge to eat crab. Most people scoop out the meat from the shell but I find that dull. I like to crush it open with my thumb and then crunch on them... mmmm... I love fish. A lot. But crabs, they are a delicacy. I guess the same applies for them felines. Spiders are a kind of delicacy. Like how the sight of a big one gets my heart to go on an Olympic run, I suppose the cats just get plain ravenous.

My morbid fascination/ obsession with spiders leads me to scour through huge encyclopedias on a frequent basis for some really really freaky spidey pics. Yeah, its called know thy enemy. Thank you, Sun Tzu. Sad to say these situations always end up the same way. Me in one corner and the fat old book in the other both engaged in a staring contest, each willing the other to make a move; me for it to come alive and it, well 'it' does not really have a reason. Sooner or later my morbid desire always wins out. I open it again. I need to see them... these demon insects... capable of extreme stealth with their eight disgusting legs, hiding in places we trust to be safe, waiting for that one opportune moment.

Although from a detached point of view, for a brief moment I could say that these little insects who help mankind by eating flies and mosquitoes just want a warm place to live. And they merely are trying to escape when you chance upon them on your favorite quilt.

And now that the brief unrealistic moment of actual truth has passed over us with little to no consequence we shall reconvene to my morbid world where the sole purpose of their existence is to keep me in a perpetual state of fear and paranoia to such an extent that a shadow flitting past in my peripheral vision causes me to conduct an extensive reconnaissance of the general area.

I take sadistic pleasure in watching cats catch a spider. Their obsession with spiders differs from mine merely on the basis of the end purpose. They like to snack on them once they get bored of them. They toy with them and to my infinite pleasure they release them, allowing it to believe for one lonely moment in the middle of excruciating pain, that it can scurry away into safety. Oh! well so much for that, my beloveds will then proceed to crush them with their perfect little paws by tearing it apart limb to limb all the time making sure the last thin thread of life still remains within it. Such marvelous and delightful creature cats are. On the other hand, I just want to swat them into a grotesque mix of broken legs and squished body parts with a few barely discernible eyes dislocated to odd positions, I'm thinking, whats the use of having four eyes if they aren't pointed in opposite directions, and to top it all there is my glutoral cry, claiming a bloody victory, striking fear into their hearts or whatever manifestation of creepiness these demonoids have in its place.

Have you ever seen a spider fall? Let me try to put in simple words one of the freakiest creepiest sights ever to be witnessed by me. A chappal flung from a distance of five meters aimed at a certain corner of the ceiling failed to make total impact. The said surface to air projectile managed to coerce the target to take precautionary measures and eject from the ceiling. I remember watching the next few seconds in slo-mo. My gut wrenching internal conflict between the need to abandon ship and the desire to indulge in my morbid fascination for the enemy resulted in me standing there rooted to the spot. Spiders fall my dear friends, they fall flat , rotating with their own body as axis, eight legs spread out like a fan, slowing down as they reach closer to the ground. Its like a paratrooper from hell. The entire 101st airborne division could not have forced me into such a severe state of inaction like it did. Now when I think about it I can understand the general sentiment of the axis ground forces in France when they looked up hoping to see the clear blue sky but finding the vast sky littered with hundreds and hundreds of slowly descending troopers each rotating like a slow fan. Not that I am sympathetic to their cause, mind you!

Some more

An autumn wind
through stilled windows
a wind chime echoes



First ray of dawn
upon winter dew
nature stills